I once believed my tank was empty, only to find it could never be
I have the power and help from the one who created me
I thought others were responsible for filling it up,
By giving me what I desired and believed I need
I’ve uncovered, needing love and approval from others is what I long for
As this is the cause of my enslavement that carries my can
This bondage has kept me spinning a web of lies
I wanted to run away from those who I believed were responsible for my cries
Only to learn, if I leave, I will receive more of what I believe is inflicting me
What I am created from I never need to seek
I must learn who I am, for the I Am is not weak
With strength and dedication, I can rejoice as I give love and approval to all
For when I do, my tank runs with tempo and exhilaration without a fall
I must heed my seeker within because she awaits and desires an empty can
The more I genuinely receive and give, I overflow
As the Creator rejoices to give me more
~Pam Holzknecht

I find that many of us will hear a phrase or saying and like the meaning that’s been given to the expression.  We use what we hear from someone else because we are in agreement with what was said.  I remember a girlfriend of mine using the phrase, “my tank is empty.”  She used this phrase to express that she could not give anymore because the belief was she was constantly giving and not receiving anything in return from the other person.  I related to what she said and I was in agreement with her story because the love I learned as a child had conditions.  I also, believed if I kept giving to others I’d be accepted by them.  I remember saying the same phrase a couple of times after hearing my girlfriend use it.

Since I’ve been on my spiritual journey of transformation, I’ve learned much of what I accepted for myself is lies.  One of the biggest lies, which we accept is love and approval, comes from others in order for us to feel good and believe we are important.  Instead we must teach, love is what we are because Love created each of us therefore we are already accepted.  We must teach no one is more special or more important than another regardless of race, nationality, age, profession or language one speaks.  We must teach respect, not necessarily in a sense of yes ma’am, no ma’am, and yes sir and no sir but respect for the Divine Spirit that resides deep within in each of us no matter what action one has done.

I see there comes a point in one’s life while living on this earth that he or she will have to be a parent to him or her self in order to be the change they wish to see in the world.  I see if I do not do this, than I will keep seeking what I long for from others and continue to experience the same emotional pain.  I must fill myself up with truths that come from God along with loving and accepting all of me, not just the me that perhaps did something good but even the me that made choices which didn’t support others and myself or simply myself.  This is unconditional love.  We do not have to agree or approve of the action although we can be open minded to understand when someone acts out of fear that the person is thinking from his or her wrong mind and disconnected from God.

We can only know our true self by learning about our Creator and truly understand the meaning that each of us was created in the image of God and be willing to look at our false self.  Our false self are the beliefs we accept that are lies and patterns, that have been handed down from generations that keep us in darkness as well as the mask we wear to hide behind in order to appear a particular way in front of others.  My mask is appearing to be perfect.  If I’m perfect than I’ll be loved and accepted.  Who can be perfect in this world!  No one and I’ve held onto this belief for too long and so the death of perfect Pam has taken longer than I’d like!  🙂

I must heed my seeker within because she awaits and desires an empty can.  Who is my seeker within?  She’s the little girl who believes she wasn’t loved and accepted and learned that she needed love and approval from others in order to feel good about herself.  The last two lines of my poem refer to the sweetness of living life here on earth.  When I accept the truths that come from the Creator for myself and then give them away by showing up from these truths and sharing what I’ve received, the joy within me overflows.

Blessings, Pam



8 thoughts on “Poem

  1. “Who is my seeker within? She’s the little girl who believes she wasn’t loved and accepted and learned that she needed love and approval from others in order to feel good about herself.” This is the sentence that kind of sums it all up isn’t it. What a wonderful way of putting it. Of course the sages say enlightenment is the death of the seeker, and perhaps it goes that when the little girl/boy is fully accepted internally it will fade away, and we’ll rest in the moment.

    I’ve lately been challenging the inner false-self, childhood-conditioned, self-judgemental little girl (you know, the one who doesn’t feel good about herself and thinks she needs love and approval because she’s been taught to believe she’s not good enough) with the repeated question: what if there’s nothing wrong with me? It’s not looking with an answer so much as it is about repeatedly feeling the feeling of that position and challenging that false self status quo of holding to the “truth” that I’m not good enough. It brought up huge amounts of pain; the pain of a life lived believing that somehow I’m no good, but after the tears – a freedom. I don’t know if it’s all done yet. You never really know until some social situation comes along and the new inner position is challenged lol.

    It is in the end I think just about the only thing that enslaves us – the belief that “I’m not good enough for or to . . . . . . . . .finish the sentence”. With complete acceptance of the “me” comes a huge freedom. And after that there’s letting go of the belief in a “me” at all. But that’s a whole other step and whole other discussion.

    Great post. Thanks!

    1. Hi Alison. You’re welcome. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I see when I let myself feel the negative feelings, let the tears flow and tell myself something different to nurture my child within that I’m letting healing take place. When I push them away, I’m giving into the undeveloped child within. I’m giving into my beliefs that are lies and continuing to let my undeveloped child within exist. With each experience I’m giving the opportunity to become whole or stay the undeveloped child. Feeling leads to freedom because before feeling there’s a thought, a belief that can be changed. :)) I believe depending how long one has rejected them self will depend on the amount of work one will have to do as well as how much one gives into their undeveloped child. And yes, letting go of the belief in a “me” at all…
      Blessings, Pam

  2. Couldn’t have put it better myself. Nothing can replace feeling the feelings. I had lots of work to do 🙂 – years of denial lol.
    Still feel the damaged child a bit, but much more spaciousness, freedom and authenticity now.
    Ain’t life grand? Love the journey. We’re given so much help, so many blessings.

  3. What excellent truths. Once we learn that only the Lord can fill us, we have so much more to give others. If we look to others it will be pain and misery constantly. I’m reminded of this in current relationships – where I’m looking to humans to “pay back” what I’ve been giving. They aren’t and I’ve been getting my feeling hurt. I needed to hear this. Thank you.

    \ 🙂 /

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