Over the past few years, I’ve been practicing on being aware of my feelings. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I fall back in to my old pattern of pushing them away and turning to my addictions of perfectionism, defenses and excuses. I’ve been given a truth, which is, my feelings are the doorway to my freedom. One may ask freedom of what; free of emotional pain, free of judgments toward others and myself, free to live from peace instead of turmoil, free to give and love unconditionally and free to live my life from joy and not fear.
When we are babies we communicate by our feelings and thank goodness or we would be living life like zombies. A baby eats, poops, and sleeps, cries and laughs. All these actions stem from feeling. As a baby grows into the toddler stage, he or she wants to learn, be independent, begins to form words and continues to express them self through feelings. Some where along our childhood we’ll have experiences that cause us to feel negative feelings such as humiliated, rejected, ashamed, terrified, nervous and… Feelings are a form of energy, which we cannot see and this energy must go somewhere. I’ve learned feelings are expressed outward or stay inward (the body). At the moment my first recollection of feeling rejected and believing I’m unworthy was around 8 or 9 years of age.
We were created with the ability to feel, which I now see as a gift. My feelings help me understand what I’m thinking and believing before I act. I must be present in order to be in touch with what I’m feeling. When I’m aware of my feelings, I can find out what I’m thinking because my thoughts and beliefs are the cause to what I’m feeling (thought, feeling, action). If I’m aware of my feelings, I have a choice on how I’m going to act. Most of my life I’ve been thinking and reacting, which has brought me emotional pain. Here’s an example of when I was in high school, my sophomore or junior year. I have a sister who is 15 months older than me and while growing up, we where only a year apart in school. I looked up to my sister and many times wished I was like her because she’s pretty, in my eyes things appeared to come easy and naturally for her, she had many friends, could put on a pair of jeans and t-shirt and look great, she didn’t have to wear braces and I don’t remember her ever having a pimple, she is smart, out going and confident. I saw myself as the opposite of her. One day while walking through the halls as we were changing classes my sister was leaning up against the lockers talking to her girlfriends. I walked by and said, Hi as I called her by name. She looked at me with no response. I remember having certain negative feelings. I’ve learned we can always go back to an experience and perhaps feel what we felt at that moment, which I’ve done. By going back to the incident and feeling, I’ve been able to ask myself what do I believe after feeling, resentful, rejected, embarrassed, disappointed and…my answer…I’m not good enough to be acknowledged. When we accept a belief we are consciously and unconsciously feeding the belief and the more one reinforces the belief the stronger the belief becomes. Our beliefs will sabotage our hearts desires and can keep us from achieving and having what we want. Breaking the belief of unworthiness, which has been nurtured for years takes work. Each time negative feelings come up for me, I’m given an opportunity to uncover a belief that doesn’t support me and keeps me from knowing my true self, which is love.
Going back and reliving that high school experience has helped me in many ways through my emotional healing. I see how I’ve pushed my sister away because of my beliefs of not being loved and accepted by her. That day in high school, I don’t know why my sister didn’t respond. What matters is my perception of believing I’m not good enough. I took her reaction personally and I assumed. And at the age I was, I could have very easily had a few choice words going through my mind about her. I had help reliving this experience and I’ve come to understand forgiveness is about forgiving yourself, not about the other person forgiving you. I’ve had to do much forgiveness work on myself as I look at my beliefs and revisit experiences. I also see that compassion is a must with oneself. While I’m on my journey of healing, I’ve been given opportunities to express compassion and this has been wonderful. When one has felt their own pain then compassion can be expressed to others. So remember to FEEL and when your willing to feel, you can uncover what you’re thinking and believing. After you uncover what you’re thinking then tell yourself something different, such as I love and accept myself. ♥