Some Things About Me

I have been writing for the past year however it’s mostly poetry.  Someone has encouraged me more times than I can remember to have a blog site.   I thought okay, I could do that, and I enjoy sharing things I’ve learned.  Although, I’ve uncovered I like to share only when it feels comfortable.  So here it goes…I’m going to do my best to be real, genuine, let go of my fears and do what I’ve learned a part of me is screaming to do, which is share what I’ve come to understand on how to live life free from emotional pain and learning about one’s true self.  I’ve been watching American Idol this season.  The judges and some of the mentors tell the contestants to be real, natural, sing from their heart and get out of the head.   I’ve been learning to do all of these things; at times it’s easy and other times it’s not.  When it’s not easy, I’m in my head!

I thought I knew myself only to find out, I did not.  That is my true self, I know things about myself that I didn’t want to share and have come to find out these are my secrets, judgments and beliefs I have about myself that aren’t real although I believe them to be real.  Oh, I’ve shared my judgments about others and while doing so not realizing they are all about me!  I’ve learned my biggest fear is someone finding out what I’m hiding.  Some of my fears are speaking in front of people, having conversations with others (there’s more to this one), being wrong, appearing not perfect and I’m not good enough.  I have more fears although this list is a good start to get the ball rolling of letting go of what someone may think of me.  I can only be honest because I’ve had help.  There have been many times while getting help I didn’t want to be honest because the emotional pain felt too intense.  I would dig my feet deep into the ground, not budge and prolong my pain when I’ve learned being honest with myself is the only way of out of my emotional pain, my personal prison, which I put myself in.  No one can get out of prison alone, whether the person is behind physical bars or emotional bars.  A person must have help from another by using a physical key to unlock the door or handing the other person verbal keys so they can free themselves by removing the shackles.

I didn’t know what was causing my life to seem like such a struggle in addition to not feeling joy consistently.  I’ve learned there is only one kind of joy.  I’ve also learned that living in this world we are taught a false joy, one that has conditions.  The joy with conditions never last, true joy does.  Even though we live in a world, which seems impossible to experience this true joy, it can be done.  Someone who came into my life, because I wanted change, has given me an abundance of wisdom so I may achieve my hearts desires.  I now see that the people who cross our paths daily or happen to stay a while are not by accident.  It is time for me to share the many gifts I’ve received.  I’ve learned, when one receives and accepts a gift it must be shared and those who want to accept it for themselves will.  There are two kinds of gifts, material and spoken.  I have been given MANY verbal gifts.  Some I accepted and some I didn’t.   I’m learning it doesn’t do me any good to throw away a gift especially if it’s a key to living my life free from emotional pain and fear.  My search on feeling true joy has only come with the willingness to look at the parts of me that are not pretty.   I’ve been able to share some of what I’ve learned with friends, family and clients.  I’ve learned we are all the same.  We’ve all had similar experiences.  We all have stories and the bottom line we are all seeking love and approval.  One gift I’ve received is, when I understand myself, I can then relate to and understand another.  I once believed to relate to someone, I first must understand him or her.

The only things I’m familiar with about blogging are sharing ideas and giving information.  I’m learning about widgets and RSS.  Please don’t ask me to explain them yet.  Now, all I need is 5 easy steps on how to use WordPress!  I thought having a blog site would be easier than being physically in front of human beings so I told a few people I was going to start a blog.  I started it all right…about a year ago and have been lying to myself the whole time.  It’s not any easier for me to speak whether I’m physically in front of someone or hidden in my home behind a computer screen.  Although, there is one little caveat…some people may beg to differ and say I have no fear of speaking and that’s a true statement.  I have no fear of speaking when I want to be right about something!

I’ve uncovered one of my addictions is perfectionism.  I believe everything has to be perfect before I put myself out there such as being a good speaker and writer.  This is one of the ways I sabotage myself from accomplishing my hearts desires.  I’ve learned, in order to get good at something…I have to do, dive in, practice and start somewhere…how else can I succeed.  I’ve heard all this before although my addiction to perfectionism rules my life and now I see I choose to let it.  My perfectionism is a way for me to be in control.  I didn’t realize it as one of my addictions until after I got help and it’s the big daddy of all my addictions.  As I’m confessing to this, I get a chuckle, as the first stance of the song Oh Happy Day is being sung by the little voice within me. That little voice is my higher being rejoicing because I can now laugh at some of the things I’ve become aware of about myself instead of denying while feelings of rage build deeply within.

I was stunned on how many bloggers were out there because every name I chose was taken and for good reason because Feeling Joy is perfect for now.  I’ve learned in order to feel joy I had to uncover the cause of why I wasn’t.  One of the Universal Laws is cause and effect, which is the same as what you sow you reap.  For instance, when you plant a tomato seed you will get a tomato.  When I tell myself certain things and believe them to be true, that will be my reality and that’s what I’ll experience.  Uncovering the cause of why I wasn’t feeling joy has been a process.   It didn’t happen over night and feeling joy is something I continue to strive for every moment until it comes natural to me.  What I’ve learned about experiencing joy is simple and yet there’s a part of my being that wants to be in control so at times it seems extremely hard.  The key word, “control” is the cause to the effect of why it appears hard.  I have learned when I control a situation and a person I experience pain and when one is experiencing pain, true joy cannot be felt.

Until we meet again…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s